How Can That Be Real?
Newsflash: I’m occasionally plagued by self-doubt.
I know that’s a shocking admission…
In my case, the good news is that self-doubt only rears its head on days ending in “ay” and I breathe…
As you can see, I keep tight, clear boundaries.
I’m guessing you too may, on occasion, doubt or question yourself, mostly because you’re human and, if you’re anything like me, you’re reading this on one of those pesky “ay” days. (You’ll have to pay attention to whether or not you’re breathing…)
Rather than discuss self-doubt, however, I thought I’d take a gander at “other-doubt” and have a look at a phenomenon that I think has become somewhat of a national pastime, at least over here in the US.
Other other-doubt works something like this: Someone says “My experience is XYZ”, followed by someone else saying, “That can’t be real. I don’t see how that could be…”
A somewhat benign example would be walking into a room and saying “It’s cold in here! I’m shivering!” and having someone else tell you, “But it’s not cold! Look, the thermostat is set at 70 degrees, so you can’t be cold.”
Regardless of what the thermostat says, the shivering person is still experiencing being cold, so the person saying “you can’t be” is missing the point.
A less benign example happening here at the national level is the very visible non-conversation happening around systemic racism…
On one side are people saying it’s a very real thing and offering examples of ways in which they and those they know experience it.
On the other side are people saying it’s not a real thing, so what others claim to be experiencing isn’t and could not possibly be what they say it is…
Or that some of the people, NBA players, for instance, aren’t permitted to protest or say systemic racism is a real thing because they – being well-compensated professional basketball players – make good money and, therefore, should not concern themselves with such trivial nonsense and just keep quiet and carry on playing…
Maybe it’s just me, but I’m having issues with all of this…
First of all, there’s all sorts of gunk stirred into the nasty-mix when the notion that, once someone hits a certain level of income, they give up the right to voice (or even have) their opinions.
I’m not even sure where that concept comes from – only that it assumes that once one is set financially, particularly if they’re Black – they’ve gotten more than their fair share and should be happy and just shut up. (This argument is often trotted out when successful Black athletes, actors, musicians, etc., speak out publicly on social issues.)
Ah, canceling (you and your opinions don’t count) and tone-policing, (maybe you have something to say, but you can’t say it that way) thine faces are many though thine wisdom be lacking…
The point is that denying someone’s real-world experience – just because you don’t see it, haven’t seen it yet, or flat-out refuse to see it – does not make it magically go away…
Regardless of what the temperature setting says or however right, righteous or smug you might be about your high-end, state-of-the-art, smart climate control system, they are still cold and shivering.
That’s their real-world experience in the moment, but in the absence of humility and curiosity, listening evaporates and, rather than recognize that someone else can be occupying the very same room, space, culture – or nation – at the very same time and have a very different experience, it becomes all too easy to not only miss what they are saying, but to quickly marginalize – and de-humanize – them altogether…
Here’s the thing: Listening can be challenging. Recognizing the experience of other, particularly when it might be far afield of what we are experiencing in the same place and at the same time, can be uncomfortable – even triggering – and deeply disturbing.
It can be disruptive to the point of turning our deeply-held world-view on its head…
If ever there were a time to stay curious, bring on the humility, pay attention and listen, this is it…
Because the distance between “how can that be real? and “how can they be real?” can be closed in a heartbeat…
And, as we’ve seen time and time again in recent days – and as vividly demonstrated in Kenosha, Wisconsin by a 17 year-old kid from Illinois with way too much fire-power and way too little humility or adult discernment – it’s all too easy to stop a beating heart when we lose track of the very real fact that that heart beats in the chest of another human being…
And it doesn’t get any more real than that.