The Tyranny of…Self-Improvement…?

If you’ve been with me for a while and have any inkling of the sort of work folks of my ilk do, I’d be surprised if the title of today’s article didn’t have you, at the very least, do a bit of a head-tilt…

I’m big on trains. I’ve loved them since I was a kid and can see no end to my lifelong romance and fascination with behemoth machines that rumble on down rails.

I never grow tired of seeing a miles-long freight train moving across open terrain, watching a train snaking beside a flowing river or witnessing a multi-locomotive outfit slowly making its way up and over a mountain pass.

A train that’s gone off the tracks, though?

From a land-transit point of view, there’s not much out there that gets messier.

And yes, this is an article about self-improvement…

A short while back, I was hosting a men’s call on celebration. As we dove into the topic, it became clear that the direction in which we needed to go was slightly different than my originally filed flight plan.

After several months of looking into more than a few dark corners, the respite offered by spending time on celebration – like coming up for air after swimming all the way across a pool under water – seemed to make good sense…

Except we sorta bumped our noggins on the pool wall.

For most of the men in the room, the very notion of celebration had become conflated with outsized, ornate events like weddings, graduations and birthday parties, most of which were perceived as daunting – if not outright dreaded – set-ups for navigating performative social weirdness.

Now, no offense to those who love a big ol’ party. The pandemic has not been kind to you and sadly, factually and by decree, there are far fewer places for you to go to get your freak on…

And celebrations can be so much more – and also so much less – than big.

Dictionary.com defines celebration as:

Noun

1. an act of celebrating.

2. the festivities engaged in to celebrate something.

Apart from the mistaken notion that size matters in all-things celebration, there were other elements conspiring to have more than one distortion crash our gathering…

Earning snuck in after flashing a forged invitation…

Deserving probably gained entry via an open window…

Kidding aside, the culture tends to put celebration into a tight box that, to my mind, creates more than a few missed opportunities, to say nothing of a mess of needless pain and suffering.

When tightly boxed attitudes and beliefs about celebration (like they have to be big, glitzy and involve loud music and a buffet table) intersect with twisted attitudes and beliefs about self-improvement (like I haven’t earned this, haven’t suffered enough and/or I don’t deserve enjoyment or happiness) things can get ugly.

Consider this: Celebrations can be as huge as flying hundreds of your closest friends to your private island on one of your private jets for a few weeks of wild rock & roll wining and dining on your fleet of mega-yachts…

Or as small and intimate as a moment of solitude in nature – or sitting quietly by a window with a cup of coffee, listening to the rain…

Because celebrations mark the moments life is made of.

It’s no secret that those of us who walk paths of lifelong learning can – in pursuit of our own growth and development – get pulled into whirlpools of self-denial and self-criticism in the name of our own growth and “enlightenment…”

…Those whirlpools can quickly spin into ego-driven self-abuse and self-punishment – which are anything but enlightened and far from celebratory…

And yes, I’m speaking to myself every bit as much as I’m speaking to you.

Here’s the thing: Whether you’re a social justice warrior, a budding spiritual seeker or teacher, a person who wants to be a better parent or partner – or anything in between – beating the snot out of yourself or denying moments of celebration in the name of self-improvement is neither sustainable nor likely to end well…

It’s self-abuse wearing a “have a nice day” or “namaste” smiley mask…

It’s a train wreck of inward-focused tyranny…

And, seeing it regularly in clients, students, out in the culture and, of course, in myself, I know it’s all too common.

We turn away from celebrating the small moments and incremental steps of our own self-growth because in our ego’s distorted views they aren’t big enough, because we’re not “there” yet, because we haven’t found proof that we’re worthy, because we’ve lost patience thinking we should be farther along, because we’re too much or not enough…

All the while ennobling our own effortful pain and suffering, confusing that suffering with the real work of – and responsibility for – growing the muscles of self-awareness, self-acceptance, self-authority, self-compassion and, of course, self-love.

And no, this isn’t about everybody getting a happy prize just for showing up or – any other pseudo-spiritual, simplistic, feel-good bypass.

Taking moments for conscious celebration serve double duty as functions and expressions of gratitude.

They are disciplines, practices…

They are just one (of many) examples of slow-down-and-get-present antidotes for the self-oppressive tyranny that happens when the choo-choo of personal growth and self-development jumps the rails.

And, by the way, they are also moments of recentering in a world achingly in need of more centered human beings…

I think you’re up to the task.