The Race To The Bottom

I spend more time than I care to on social media as well as poking around the news, occasionally getting pulled into deep rabbit-hole territory…
 
In some, I’d swear the rabbits – sensing what might be lurking in the dark – exercise their better judgement and, crunchy veggies in-tow, steer clear and turn their attention elsewhere.
 
I’m clearly no lapin ordinaire…
 
A phenomenon that seems to be showing up more and more is the proud display of the “been wronged” badge.
 
Now, before I get myself into too much trouble, I want to be crystal clear that we live in a world in which there are very real victims suffering very real injustice, abuse, hurt and worse.  In our world there are all-too-real perpetrators of violence and other hurtful, heinous acts and behaviors that absolutely victimize others.
 
The train jumps the rails – for me, at least – when individuals and groups lay claim to victimhood as a tool to absolve themselves of responsibility – all while casting shadows of blame on others.
 
An example that I find deeply irksome: men who blame women – not individual women, mind you, but women as a class – for their own sense of disempowerment.
 
Yes, the feminist movement has been moving forward for decades now.  Women’s empowerment work is happening everywhere and shows no sign of going away any time soon…
 
No, the feminist movement isn’t perfect – and that’s not what I care to address today…
 
(On the above topic there’s no shortage of opinion.  I found Mark Manson’s piece about what’s worked and what’s gone astray informative and useful: “What’s the Problem with Feminism?”  He also penned a solid piece on issues with current models of masculinity: “What’s the Problem with Masculinity?”)
 
My point is that the case being made by groups of men gathering to wave victim flags relies on the premise that women stepping into their own power and self-authority is only made possible when men are disempowered, torn down or even turned into emasculated, self-loathing shadows of their formally manly (refer to the Mark Manson article on masculinity) selves.
 
The equation goes something like this: because women (them) are stepping up their game and winning, men (us) must be losing, therefore we (men) are now victims.
 
I see the offer, I’m just not buying…
 
And here are just a few reasons why:
 

• Social constructs are wildly complex.  Part of that complexity makes reducing systems and constructs down to reliably simple math virtually impossible.  One group does not necessarily have to lose ground for another group to see gains.  Metaphorically speaking, a rising tide does not require the sinking of some ships to lift others…

• While there’s no lack of criticism, I see a lack of critical thought – a hallmark of a whole lot of “us vs them” thinking.  The missing critical thinking bits include challenging one’s assumptions, examining questions of whether or not one is actually part of the problem, looking at whether or not statistics are simplistic “proof of cause” or more subtle outcomes and/or symptoms of something else entirely…

• It’s lazy pendulum-swinging that skips over the rich “both, and” ground along the continuum between polarities.  Let’s face it, blaming is easy.  It’s neat and tidy and not without its shadowy, seductive attractions: “They are responsible, we are not.  They are the oppressors, we are the victims.”  On the other hand, doing deep, vulnerable inner work with one’s self is challenging.  Doing deep inner work in partnership with other – taking responsibility for and ownership of WE – is challenging on some serious whupass steroids…

• Mostly, I see a regressive tribalism that adds to the sense and experience of separation and hurt that’s already present.  That’s a great set up for misguided targeting of anger and rage that blows off just enough steam to disarm the urgency addressing specific, personal root causes…  (responsibility…)

 
Again, don’t get me wrong – there are absolutely causes worth fighting for – and it’s true that many, many individual men have been deeply, profoundly wronged – and yes, victimized – by individual women through lousy parenting, bad relationships, abusive partners, biased judges, etc.…
 
Those are straightforward facts – and tough circumstances…
 
Here’s the thing:  As in any case of adversity and wounding, people emerge from those experiences in wildly different ways…

Because regardless of outcome, the only guarantee is that one will inevitably come face to face with one’s self…
 
And one of the key markers of a state of Conscious Adulthood is taking ownership and responsibility (not to be confused with duty, obligation or burden) for how one chooses to see and respond to facts and circumstances and then choosing to become the author of one’s own life-story.
 
That’s a whole lot of choosing based on developing self-awareness, reflection, engagement and presence – and it matters.

I can’t make choices for the women of the world and how they choose to grow and step into their power.
 
I hope they continue to do it all – for the greater good and with harm to none.
 
Nor can I make choices for the men of the world and how they choose to grow and step into their power.
 
I just hope they choose to do it more consciously – also for the good of all and with harm to none.
 
What I can do, however, is invite the people in my world to look in their own mirrors, take responsibility for who and what they see – and do their own work.

That’s always my invitation…
 
And as parties go, it’s tough to find one more satisfying.