I Don’t @!#$ing Care!

If you’ve been hanging around my writing, know my work or have visited my website, y’all know I’ve specialized in doing Men’s Work for the better part of my two decades in the coaching and leadership fields.

Knowing that, it may surprise you that I don’t really give a flying @!#$ about having pithy answers to questions about what it is – or means – to be a man…

Nor am I terribly interested in defining manhood for myself – or for anyone else – for that matter.

I have a mess of reasons why – and yes – I’m happy to share a few of them…

For starters, when it comes to identities, roles and states of being, language has a sneaky way of creating constricting boundaries.

For instance, if one subscribes to the notion that in order to be a man one must be a provider – and then, for whatever reason, loses the ability to provide – what then?

If a man must be, above all else, a logical, reasoned stoic, what kind of capacity will he have to appreciate and allow the emotions of others – to say nothing of his own?

If a man is one who must possess endless knowledge so he can provide definitive answers, what happens when he faces questions he simply can’t address?

If one defines a man by his physical strength, does he become less manly when someone stronger comes to town…?

On one hand, these sorts of questions are so obviously narrow as to be silly…

On the other hand, these (and more) reflect the very sort of tight rules that a whole lot of boys and men of all ages come nose-to-nose with as they navigate their way through life.

As I’ve mentioned, I’ve witnessed more than a few parents admonishing their 4-year-old sons with the likes of “big boys don’t cry…”

And all of this has an impact.

I’ve seen a whole lot of men twisted, confused – and yes, hurt – trying to bend and compress themselves into molds of manhood that are neither a good fit nor a good look…

Only to find themselves frustrated, angry, lonely and ashamed because they haven’t been able to measure up or make the one-size-fits-no-one definitions work.

And, of course, it doesn’t take much for frustrated, angry, lonely, hurt people to lash out and inflict pain on those around them…

Here’s the thing: The tropes of “a man is…” or “a real man is…” or “big boys don’t” are spun around cores of age-old dogma.

And once something becomes this kind of dogma – in this case outdated, limiting rules to a game that has evolved and transformed in too many ways to count – it dies…

So while I absolutely love the men I get to work with and the work I get to do with them, I just don’t @#$!ing care to add any more to this already outsized, steaming pile of dogma…

I much prefer witnessing – and helping and facilitating – men move toward states of conscious, responsible adulthood.

From there, they can create their own working definitions – if they still @!#$ing care to…

And operating as conscious adults free of dogmatic molds, boxes and tight boundaries…?

It’s a whole lot more fun!